Sunday, February 9

I've been so alone for so long / Forgotten by the world
Forgotten to myself / Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away / But I knew you'd never stay

So I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you
And I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

At night I cling to you, I'm so afraid / Afraid the day will come
And I'll wake and find you gone / But you promised that you'd not abandon me
And kissed my fears away / But I woke up to that day

But I had memorized the way our eyes / would meet reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

I've been so alone for so long / I forgot how much it hurts
To wake up so alone

But I memorized how warm your body felt / as you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight / filled the room and played upon your body

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

Saturday, February 1

"Love is infinite, unconditional, and unjudgemental." - Maynard James Keenan (July 23rd, 2002)

so this is goodbye
so this is how you say it
this is the time it takes you
it didn't take you a lot now did it?
it didn't hurt you a lot now did it?

today is my last day in oakville. i woke up to the sounds of sarah getting ready for work, just in time to say goodbye forever to loki. i'm going to miss that dog...fuck...i'm a fucking mess...somebody please, just come and shoot me. put me out of this feeling...

i barely got to see her this morning. i said goodbye, and hugged her close as she left for work. i started to cry, she didn't even seem to notice. it kills me to know just how little i mean to her. i can't stand this.

just waiting for my parents to come and get me...i need to stop crying and freaking out. i can't even stand up. i've vomited 4 times already this morning. fuck.

Friday, January 31

you know, i'm not some fucking monster. i have feelings, too. and if you can't realize that, go fuck yourselves. (sarah, this is not directed towards you).

Sunday, January 26

Saturday, January 25

To see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same, as I do, is a Three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line, If I said
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on, the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days, but already I am wasting away
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know, that I care
And I miss you

Friday, January 24

When you're at the top there's nowhere left to go but down. That's been said in a million country's tongues. It's true. As true for nations as it is for their existence. For when you are at the top you aspire to attain that which cannot be attained. And in doing so achieve the ruin of all you have built.

Thursday, January 23

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Below are a few events that the cosmos
is conspiring to put on your schedule in the coming weeks. You
*could* postpone them until later in the year, but I believe
you'll have best results if you surrender to their necessity in
the near future.

1. Open your heart as far as it'll go without ripping it apart.

2. Dive into a whirlpool of emotions without being pulled to the bottom or swept away.

3. Deepen and intensify a juicy relationship with a worthy ally, but without distorting your relationship with yourself.

4. Get smarter about love than you ever dreamed it was possible to be.

And if I could
I'd throw away this world
I'd dress you all in pearls
I'd give you what you wanted

You're all I notice
In a crowded room
Your vacant motives
Unmoved, revealed

Medellia of my eyes
You're the emptiness of I
You're the reason that I drive
And if you say you will
I would love you still

And if I just could
Be anything for you
Just anyone at all
Anything that mattered, washed out

oh my gooooooddddddddddddd i just want to give up right now......take a whole bunch of pills and then i won't have to feel like this anymore..............fuck................

I woke up this morning with an idea. This idea of mine is flawed. Actually, I'm flawed and the idea is perfect. My idea was to invent flawed perfection. You might think that I'm an idealist now, but I figure that it can be done. Your flaws are your perfection. Your flaws are your individual super powers.

Sunday, January 19

i sat up listening to this song over and over again. crying my fucking eyes out. this was kind of our song, sarah...i'm sorry to post this, i just want you to much i love you.

I've found a way to make you
I've found a way
a way to make you smile

I read bad poetry
into your machine
I save your messages
just to hear your voice.
you always listen carefully
to awkward rhymes.
you always say your name.
like I wouldn't know it's you
at your most beautiful.

I've found a way to make you
I've found a way
a way to make you smile

at my most beautiful
I count your eyelashes secretly.
with every one, whisper I love you.
I let you sleep.
I know you're closed eye watching me,
I thought I saw a smile.

I've found a way to make you
I've found a way
a way to make you smile.

is there anything that I need to say
that hasn't been said before
i have been polite for too long
why should I be anymore
better now than never, better loud than clever
better just to play the fool
it's times like this when you just close your eyes and kiss
because everything after this is just bullshit and being cruel

Saturday, January 18

i'm deleting all of the insane stuff from my blog. i guess that's a step forward if i don't have to look at it anymore.

any better? there are some lyrics still here...but those are how i'm feeling, nothing stupid.

Friday, January 17

i'm delusional i guess. whatever. anyone who's reading this: i just want you to know how much i love sarah. that's why i'm leaving. if she never wants to see me again, then fine. i'll honour that wish. i wish she would reconsider, but i know that, realistically, she probably won't. i dunno...maybe in the future she'll forgive me and we can be friends...who knows...

but is it wrong of me to want forgiveness? is it wrong of me to love her? if you say yes, go examine your own heads for a little while.